Radio Silence Over…

Coasting, its an easy state to be be in. Convenient and sure. Howfucking shit is it though?

I guess being two years since I posted surely life wouldn’t go back to a point where I want to cry most nights, or nor even exist. Maybe that’s the pleasure of BiPolar. Surprise me with a massive fuck you to the head. The headaches have started again. The headaches I resemble and associate to a time where things were at their worst. Im at a point of happiness where all of a sudden I want it to disappear.

No matter how hard I try to keep it positive and everything and everyone so close. All I want them to do is go away.

I feel that people I know do care just don’t. Paranoia the heartless motherfucker that is. Why does it exist?

Im fed up with the BS that comes from people. Im fed up of being the one who just gets by.

Im just fed up

Advertisement

7th August 2020 Whats the point?

Been a while since ive posted but I feel it prudent to do so right now, this isn’t about depression or feeling low, or even about my bipolar. Its about peoples attitudes towards me as a human being.

As ive written before I have a very fucked up relationship with my family. Mainly because I have literally nothing good to say about them.

So a short story for context of this situation.

10 years ago, I fractured a few laws, got in trouble with the police didn’t have a massive deal of respect for other, and let alone myself. Call it my shitty upbringing, abuse or whatever. Either way I was a little bastard. I have accepted that. I have changed thusly and tried to better my life.

What I cannot stand is as soon as something goes wrong.the initial response is to look at me.

So December, and march this year money goes missing from my fathers account. Not a small amount, were talking a few thousand pounds now. I was the one that told him to report it, I was the one that did all the leg work to get it sorted for him.

On top of this I’d also like to add the pretext of saying that I am plagued with an eyesight problem. So it can be hard to see, or read things from time to time. So every now and again (because me and my father share the same name so when ¬†letters come, we may read each others)

Anyway, my mother finds the letters, one pertaining to the fraud on my dads account.

Instead of asking politely to give an explanation. Automatically thinks the worst and accuses me of stealing the money, or using my dads card, so on. Uses mt fucking past against. Its been 10 years since I fractured any law.

Anytime anything goes wrong, im a suspect for no reason. Even if its been proved otherwise.

I can’t get away from it, I don’t know how much longer I can take of this bullshit.

Its getting me down, I haven’t received an apology and they expect me to just carry on as if nothing has happened. Fuck that, in the words of the dragons… Im Out!!!

Its been so long, its becoming a habit

It seems surreal that only a year ago this blogging world was my outlet for all evil and things insane. In that time, and more so over the last ten years ive spent more time doubting who i am as a human being and more so as an individual than i have actually enjoying life for what it is. Im not the one to relax and let life take its toll. Im too much of someone who analyses things to find what the outcome will be, sometimes it works and the majority of the time it doesn’t.

For along time ive only used this platform for the use of my depressive thoughts and the after effects of serious life problems, but every time i get over these the platform just disappears and maybe thats just the way my thoughts work but its just what happens. I wish i could sit on here for days on end just making material for the world to see or maybe its just better this way that i come out of the wood work once in a while just when its needed, i mean the downside that has in marketing terms is people get bored and move one. Hey, maybe someone who followed my blog a year ago will read this and think oh brilliant he is still going strong and mainly alive!

I dunno i mean if you’re around reading this blog and you’ve read any of my posts from a year or more ago then kudos drop me a message or comment and say hi….

Well that lasted a day!

So its cming up to the year anniversary i lost ally, got 3 more weeks but its coming up. Last night, i decided to drink a little too much and it ended up me nearly hetting barred from favourite pub, having a full blown argument with my ex and the ultimately almost having a punch up with bar man. Id liketo stress that im not a violent person its just at this moment in time i saw red, and if it wasnt him it could have been with one of my friends.

I was very down, i cried for a couple of hours and its nice to get it out of my system but its constantly getting to me today. I dont know whether its tha major hangover i had today or something else just unhappy with things. Im sure itll pass but as it is im at a bit of a wits end.

Its nice to be back on here and contributing to other peoples recooverie, its nice to offer advice to similar people with similar issues.

I just hoppe one day that someone gives me that ultimate advice into what i should be doing…

Til another day… D xx

Its been a while

So, hello bloggerverse, i hope are all well.

Mental health is such a challenging aspect of anyones life. I look at my own life and look at the trials and tribulations ive had to overcome just live this life. The thing i get asked quite often is what do i regret or what i change or do differently.

I regret some decisions in life but ultimately i will regret nothing, ive learnt from everything vie done.

I wouldn’t change a thing and i wouldn’t redo a thing.

Sounds ridiculous, considering ive been through sexual abuse and dark places.

But tis true, its all made me who i am today and why should i change that, im respectful to women, i wouldn’t hurt a fly.

BiPolar sucks and believe me it does, one minute im fine, one minute im not, different things affect me to others. I suppose its one of those things. but im not ashamed of who I am

Personally im okay at the moment, the meds have seriously helped with life, and i know thats a rarity to happen but im glad they’re working,

Ive been in a good place for a while and im beginning to learn that I can make these positive changes, i just have to do them!

Its finally working

So, as you know about 8 weeks ago i started my lamictal. As always i was sceptical about meds however. 8 weeks on, my rapid cycling is still there, but not to the vast extremes. Much more healthy than it was before. I feel like it works. I feel like im stable, along with self perseverance but medicated too. im not completely reliant. Just enough to know that its making a difference.

I started my therapy about 5 weeks ago also and it was very eye opening. It was nice to have the same therapist but tis working. Since ive been back i have had no presence of my alters in any way (as far as i am aware)

Its all working. Its strange…

The only thing is im not sleeping very well

Therapy Session Week 3

Hiya guys so three weeks ago i started my therapy sessions after finishing them three years ago. Theres no point going through session one and two as it was just a recap through what had happened the last few years, all of which i have detailed in previous posts…

today was session three and it was a focus, on the lies and deceit of chantel, why i thought she did what she did. We came to the conclusion that it was all because she was a violent abuse victim from her father, and whilst she needs and wants a relationship of which she is loved and cared, she was used to people beating ehr up. This is why she used to test me. She wanted to see a response, a violent response and she never got it. So maybe i got boring to her

Then we spoke about the girls, How much i miss them, i told her about waking up this morning and feeling that i just wished they were there when i woke to give me a cuddle and a kiss before they went to school. Its one of the many things that i miss but none of the things i miss is her. I think she is a vile piece of work and the more i think about it, maybe we were destined to fail.

I wish that i never met her cause i had mug written on my head from day one.  but hey, here is to next week

 

 

 

Happy Times on The Bipolar Front

Been a while since happiness or the highs set in

I started counselling this week, first time in three years and has been beneficial. Three years after my last bout of sessions finished. I found it very beneficial then and it helps that i have the same therapist. She dealt with the grief and mess that was in my brain.

This time its a bit more complex. Suffering from Bipolar and DID is part of her profession but i think she found it surprising of the diagnosis. I was in intimate sessions for over a year and she didnt get that feel from me. But then not knowing my history over the last three years.

at present i have the album launch going on some good news from my past. Im elated that things are going well and im trying to keep it that way… see how long this lasts.

The only downer at the moment is that the doctors are refusing me anti psychotics